Morags Musings

Associated Content Scam Their Writers

2010-05-17T08:29:00.000-07:00

Due to the recent changes Associated Content has made to its non-American members, my position as International Writer Extraodinaire on this site became no longer tenable.

I could rant and rave about the shoddy way Associated Content has dealt with the issue of dealing with the tax reforms. I could complain about the lack of notice Associated Content gave us, as this issue was known about as far back as December 2009. Just two days!. Which either meant removing my content and losing two weeks page views or waiting two weeks until my next payment, for which Associated Content would no longer be paying me. A win-win situation for Associated Content and a lose-lose situation for every international writer on the books.

I could carry on about what a piss-poor site Associated Content is with all its glitches, lack of notifications and videos that don't play.

I could even remonstrate about how 400 odd page views were shaved off my final tally at close of play. I could even accuse them of plagiarism by pocketing an extra 4000 plus page views on my articles for which I won't get paid. I could bring them to account for using, and capitalizing, on five of my posts which mysteriously went missing from my content, which I was unable to earn from, delete or edit.

I tolerated this inept and suspect behaviour, not for the pittance they paid me, but for the friends I had made here.

I stuck with Associated Content through the bad times, and the bad times, in the hope that this piss-pot amateurish excuse of a website would get its act together, but it just continued to limp along in the same old way.

Ironic really, when you consider that it encourages its writers to post articles on 'How to' and 'self improvement' and yet, as a site, Associated Content never thought to replace the monkey with the organ grinder. But why should they? They make between $7-10 per thousand page views through advertising, according to a 2008 Business Insider report.

Who cares if your videos don't play? Not Associated Content. Who cares if your notifications don't reach your fellow writers? Fellow writers are not Associated Contents main concern, it is the poor saps that accidentally come across Associated Contents SEO nuked crap whilst searching for something entirely different.

As long as people litter their articles with SEO words then Associated Content doesn't care what you write about just as long as you continue to lure unsuspecting people to their site through search engines, for which they will pay you the princely sum of $1.50 per thousand page views. Aren't you lucky? You don't even need writing skills. You don't even need to be able to use the spell checker. There are no editors so everything you write will be published, even plagiarised work.

Even the bloody monkey that runs the site could do it.

The Smell Of A Woman

2010-05-16T14:35:00.001-07:00

The most pretentious crap that we, the TV viewers, have to endure at this time of year has to be perfume commercials. Those arty-farty, black and white, 'film noir' type adverts of some scantily clad, skin covered skeletal Kate Moss lookalike standing on a beach watching the breakers and trying to look sensuous, mysterious and romantic.

Overdubbed with a hot and heavy female voice whispering the name of whatever this particular concoction is called. Something suggestive of passion, sex and romance. Short, quirky and vague. Names such as Obsession, Notorious, Curious, Crave, Eternity, Extreme, Intimately, Envy, Truth, Desire, Intense, Inspire.

Begs the question if a perfume is called 'Notorious', why do they feel the need to advertise it? Obviously, it's not as notorious as they'd have us believe.

Do these people ever think before they name stuff?

'Curious'? One sniff, end of story. Now you're no longer curious. It's perfume!

Crack is 'Intense'. Nicotine makes you 'Crave'. Perverts have an 'Obsession'. Madeleine Allbright might fill you with 'Desire'....scratch that, I've already mentioned perverts.

But I digress, so back to the ad.

The camera cuts away to a hundred yards along the beach, where a bare chested bit of beefcake, who in real life is probably as bent as a nine bob note, looks longingly at her, and then the camera cuts back to her, she turns away, with a teasing come hither glint in her eye. Because that's the kind of woman she is. Independent, aloof and desirable. And why? Because she is wearing (insert short, quirky and vague name of your choice here) perfume. Yes, it's true, just one dab of this perfume has enabled her to rip the chains that bound her to the kitchen sink and turned her into an object of desire. A temptress. Two dabs and drop four dress sizes, firming up that sagging bust line in the process.

Once again it begs the question, what sort of nasal equipment is this bloke supposed to be endowed with to be able to pick up the scent of a dab of perfume from a hundred yards down the beach? Above the aroma of all that bracing ozone? Which everyone knows is the stench of rotting seaweed, dead fish, the breaking down of bacteria, decaying sewerage, etc. Basically the smell of death.

And yet we are expected to believe that this perfume is so powerful that a few molecules can travel a hundred yards, upwind, cut through all that ozone and still manage to tickle the receptors in his hooter?

Overcoming the very smell of death itself!

Pffft!

There are moths that can't even do that! Big moths. With big noses. And inhalers.

But I digress again, so back to the ad.

The subliminal message of these adverts to a woman is wear this perfume and men will find you desirable...but on your terms. The subliminal message to a man is buy her this perfume and she will find you desirable...but again, on her terms. The subliminal message to a moth is you are crap at smelling stuff!

These perfumes tend to be made by companies that can only be pronounced with a French accent and sound totally different from the way they are written. This continental connection is important, as anything French is supposed to be chic and allows anyone flogging this stuff to sound superior as if they know what they are talking about. Ever noticed how saleswomen in fancy department stores tend to repeat what you have just asked for using the correct pronunciation and in a very loud voice? Snobby cows!

Even pop stars have got in on the act by launching their own brand perfumes. Yeah right, in between touring and recording they spend their days out in the garden shed conjuring up their own fragrances. They prostitute their names for cash, more like.

Kylie Minogue has her branded perfume, Sweet Darling. Mariah Carey has Luscious Pink, Christine Aguilera has Inspire, Jennifer Lopez has Deseo for women, Britney Spears has Believe, Jessica Simpson has Fancy and Madonna, as crass as ever, has Nudes.

The Layman's Guide To Successful Suicide

2010-05-02T16:11:00.000-07:00

Okay, so up until this point your life has been a mess. You've failed miserably at everything you've ever attempted. Everyone thinks you are a loser. Even you think you are a loser. You've had enough. You just want to end it all. And then that little voice in your head tells you that you'll probably mess this up too. You'll just end up as a cabbage, laughed at by friends and enemies alike, even more of a loser than you are already.

But it needn't be like this. With a little forethought and careful planning you can commit a suicide to be proud of. A suicide that will be talked about for many days to come at your local pub where everyone will be glad to see the back of you. A close study of the case histories will show you where others went wrong in order that you may avoid making the same mistakes.

Suicide by Cop.

Consideration must be given to the extent of force a policeman is allowed to use in the country in which the suicidee intends to end his life. For example, case study number 4869, as 38 year old part-time waste-paper basket, Mr Sydney found to his cost, suicide by cop in the UK meant throwing himself under the wheels of PC Nobles bicycle several times before eventually being charged with obstruction.

Suicide by Train.

Again, not always suitable in some countries. Trains are notoriously unreliable in most third world countries like Nigeria, Ghana and Britain where wars, earthquakes, volcanic activity and leaves can disrupt services.

Case study number 7305: The body of 84 year old Miss Cynthia Dolahley was found lying across a British mainline railway track last Autumn. An autopsy carried out on the body revealed she had actually died from starvation whilst waiting for a train to run her over. The coroner recorded a verdict of accidental death due to extreme stupidity.

Suicide by Fire.

This is one best left to Tibetan monks and certainly not one that should be tried at home by the novice as it is all too easy to scorch the linoleum making your home harder to sell by the executives of your will.

Suicide by Hanging.

This is a popular one but fraught with danger if not carried out properly. Ensure the rope is attached to something that will hold your weight. Many head injuries have been caused by beams that were just too flimsy. Careful attention should also be given to the rope used. Too coarse and it will take the skin off your neck. Too thin and it will take your head off your body. Make sure the rope has no elastic properties. Bungee rope should not be used as holes in the ceiling is almost as bad as scorched linoleum. The last thing to consider is the length of rope needed to carry out a successful hanging. Case study number 2839. Melbourne housewife and amateur horticulturist Mrs Dundee, was left crippled for life after smashing her kneecaps into the floor by using the 'too-long-a-rope/too-short-a-drop' combination.

Suicide by Asphyxiation.

I wouldn't hold your breath with this one. The plastic bag over the head suicide is a good example of making sure you expel the air in your lungs before popping the plastic bag over your head, otherwise when you lose consciousness you loosen your grip, breathe out, blow the bag off your head and scare the cat shitless.

Many people have been pulled alive from an exhaust fume filled garage. Mistakes with this one include running out of fuel to forgetting to shut the garage door.

Suicide by Jumping.

By jumping I mean from a tall building, a bridge, a cliff etc. not by skipping or jumping off furniture. The two main factors to consider when undertaking a suicide by jumping is the distance you will fall and the type of surface you will fall onto.

Jumping out of a fourth floor window into a vat of treacle may be good fun on your stag night but it's not a serious contender for suicide.

Suicide by Blood Loss.

Very messy this one. The suicidee normally sits in a bath and slashes their wrists and bleeds slowly to death usually with one arm hanging over the side of the bath. Don't ask me why, they just do.

Bear in mind that blood will stain so keep those arms inside the bath otherwise it will ooze through the bathroom floor, through the holes in the ceiling where you tried to hang yourself with a piece of bungee rope last week, and drip down onto the scorched linoleum where you tried to burn yourself to death the week before.

Common mistakes using this method range from slashing the wrong side of the wrist to trying to slash wrists using a bar of soap.

Suicide by Poison.

French speakers often fall foul to this method as they mistakenly translate 'Suicide by Poison' as 'suicide by fish'. Over the years many depressed Frenchmen have been observed all along the Cote d'Azure sitting on the beach and taunting fish.

They are crazy. Firstly everyone knows that fish cannot speak French. Fish are not that highly evolved to be able to speak another language besides their own. And as the British invented fish it seems only proper that they speak English. Have these French people never seen a Disney film?

And finally..

Do remember that a job worth doing is worth doing well. Just because you won't be around to see the result of your handiwork doesn't mean you can cut corners. Think of your family, friends and psychiatrist who have to live with the consequences of your selfish actions. Give them a suicide they can be proud of.

My Fascination with Tits

2009-05-29T06:58:00.000-07:00

I can't really remember when I first became interested in tits except to say it was a very long time ago. As a child I rather took tits for granted. They looked all the same to me no matter what sort of tit it was. I suppose as I got older I spent more time looking at tits and that is when I began to see tits in a different light.

Not all tits were the same.

Great tits have a lot to offer the casual observer over the rest of their smaller tit rivals. Not just in size but in their perkiness and colouring also. People often ask me why I have such a fixation with tits. They don't seem to be interested in watching tits for hours on end or wanting to touch or stroke them. But I've spent many a pleasant hour trying to entice tits into my garden in order to photograph them.

Great Tits are primarily insectivores and feed protein rich caterpillars to their young. A study published in 2007 found that Great Tits halved the caterpillar damage in apple orchards. Because of the Great Tits willingness to move into nest boxes it has become one of the most studied birds in the world.

The First Movement of Bruckner's 4th Symphony contains several Great Tit songs strung together.

Smaller and more agile than the Great Tit is the Blue Tit and is a valuable destroyer of garden pests such as aphids. It's also partial to leaf miner grubs and green tortrix moths. The Blue Tit will also compete with a Great Tit for a prime nesting box property in which to raise it's young.

Both Blue and Great Tits will form mixed winter flocks and both species will peck through the tin foil tops of milk bottles left on doorsteps to reach the cream.

As Blue Tits do not migrate a harsh winter can have a devastating effect on their numbers so if you want to help them get through the winter remember to leave seed or crumbs out for them.

Who Do They Think They Are?

2009-03-29T06:33:00.000-07:00

Remember when the television weather forecast lasted for about a minute and told us all we needed to know?

Just a picture of the British Isles with the relevant details on it, usually after a news bulletin or at the end of the days broadcasting. Maybe a voice over by an anonymous presenter. It was brief and to the point. And the forecast was just as reliable then as it is today.

So how come it's turned into a twice hourly ten minute show and weather presenters have now elevated themselves to celebrity status?

These people have all the charisma of a garden shed but put them in front of a camera and all of a sudden they enter the cult of celebrity. They all try to outdo each other with exaggerated hand movements, unfunny jokes, useless tips and advice and their own catchphrases.

We find them blatantly using the weather report to plug their extra earnings as a 'celebrity,' opening supermarkets, health centers, fast food restaurants, etc,.
Using their own photographs for the weather picture in favour of those sent in by the viewing public.

They appear in every issue of TV Times often talking about things they know nothing about or things that the public don't want to know about. If I want to know how to deadhead a petunia I'll ask a proper gardener not some overpaid half assed has-been whose private life has all the stability of a wallpaper pasting table.

To make those weather reports even more riveting we are told about Hurricane Herbert, which happens to be three thousand miles from the UK and going away from us at the speed of sound, or a twenty five year accumulation of half inch of rainfall in a Kurdistan parking lot.

Oh, and don't lets forget the nightly recap of the weather we've had all day. Like we didn't notice it?

Fed up looking at the UK weather chart yet? Then a satellite picture of the UK through a Ultra Violet filter should blow your socks off.

No?

Then try the satellite picture of the UK through a Infra Red filter.

Still not impressed?

How about an ordinary satellite picture of the weathermans bungalow in Kent, where you can just make out his deadheaded petunias. To pad out this extravaganza even longer they've added other useless facts such as the Pollen count, UV levels, Humidity, Sea water temperatures and Tide times.

And then we come to the actual weather forecast, which usually lasts for just as long as the weather forecast of years ago and is just as unreliable.

What's with this percentage rubbish? A fifty percent chance of rain means, in effect, it might rain or it might not. Well, that's really helpful, isn't it? That applies to just about every situation I can think of in life. I might fall into a vat of wet concrete tomorrow or I might not. I might be kidnapped by an axe wielding maniac or I might not.

This is not a forecast. It's a guess, and we are all capable of guessing.

American Idol Contestant DVD

2009-03-28T15:33:00.000-07:00

Think you are different from all those other dorks? Are you just waiting to be discovered? Do you have star potential?

Then turn yourself into a household name this year with the American Idol Contestant DVD. This unique DVD includes everything you need to get you through the audition stage of the competition and into the finals and includes:

How to wave your yellow acceptance papers to incite your relatives, friends and supporters into a frenzy of celebration as you exit the audition, screaming 'I'm going to Hollywood!'

3-2-1 game show host Ted Rodgers, guides you through the complicated vote for me telephone hand signal, recorded in slow motion. Plus a special guest appearance by Dusty Bin.

A selection of hard luck scenarios guaranteed to pull on the heart strings of the public and help you stay in the contest by way of capitalising on the sympathy vote.

A lesson in Bedtime Self Hypnosis to help you dream of becoming a star.

Greta Garbo teaches you how to achieve that smouldering, moody look in the pre-act videos without looking like a muppet.

The complete 'Old Has Been Songbook.' Forewarned is fore-armed, and this songbook will give you plenty of time to get to grips with those performers who haven't had a hit in 20 years and think that appearing on Idol will relaunch their flagging careers.

Publicist Max Clifford advises on how to look compassionate when a fellow contestant is voted off the show when all you really want to do is laugh your ass off.

Sarah Palin lends her own vast experience with things not to say when questioned by the judges:

I just want to get laid and earn lots of money.

I don't really care if I win or lose actually.

I can see Russia from my house.

Who are you calling a dog, dipstick?

This isn't the only thing I want to do.

Vote for me if you like, whatever.

I chose to be heterosexual.

I don't have a hard luck story.

Singing is not a particularly big part of my life.

Winning not important, it's the taking part that counts.

I don't do crying.....are just a few examples.

Christopher Culkin explains the pros and cons of how to make money out of your child by becoming their agent/manager.

Plus hundreds of tips and hints for sobbing when interviewed, excuses for a bad performance, how to bribe judges, how to develop a personality, how to simulate laryngitis, how to find the door when leaving the audition room...and many more.

The American Idol Contestant DVD comes in it's own special fur lined wallet and makes the ideal gift for any teenager that thinks they are the next best thing. It has no moving parts and is made from 100% recyclable stuff which is completely biodegradable in temperatures above 1000C.

No animals were harmed in the manufacture of this product...well, apart from the fur lined wallets.

Arms Race

2009-03-28T14:09:00.000-07:00

Are rising sea levels causing you sleepless nights? Planning on building an ark this summer? Thinking of nicking the plans from the Bible?

Genesis 6:15 And this is how you will make it: three hundred cubits the length of the ark, fifty cubits it's width, and thirty cubits it's height.

Then you need to read on, as this month, Morags investigative journalism takes us back into the past to establish exactly what a cubit was.

The cubit was an historical unit of measurement equivalent to the distance from a mans elbow to his fingertip. It appears the cubit has changed over time, for example;

The Egyptian cubit of 2650 BC was equivalent to 52.4 cm (20.6 in)

In Babylon around 1500 BC it was equivalent to 53.0 cm (20.9 in)

The Assyrian cubit of 700 BC was equivalent to 54.9 cm (21.6 in)

So what are we to deduce from these figures? Obviously, the fact that the cubit has lengthened means that arms are becoming longer. Many theories abound as to the mechanism that produced this evolutionary effect.

Fashion guru Vivienne Westwood suggests that, as the Egyptians were fond lots of stuff beginning with the letter 'P', like pyramids, papyrus, palaces, priests etc, its more than likely that they invented pockets. Long arms would have been needed to quickly reach to the bottom of those deep pockets and snatch the loose change before hubby woke up. Those women with shorter arms would have fumbled about, making a noise, waking up hubby and dying from lack of oxygen, blood or new shoes. Therefore, women with shorter arms would have been removed from the gene pool leaving only the long armed women to breed from.

At first glance Viviennes suggestion seems quite plausible until you remember she's a silly cow.

Although the Charles Atlas course was available by mail order around this time, it's doubtful this had any effect on bone density. Least ways, it never worked for me, which is why I don't live in a country with plenty of sand.

Media mogul Rupert Murdoch points out that in those days, paper-boys delivered the news on stone tablets and that the weight of these tablets would have lengthened their arms considerably. Mr Murdoch said that if his news organisation had existed in that time he would have championed the use of paper in the same way he did when fish'n'chip shops were in common use.

But wait!

In Jerusalem in 1 AD the cubit was only the equivalent of 52.3 cm (20.6 in) and in Druid England at the same date, a cubit measured only 51.8 cm (20.4 in)

So after 2650 years of gradually lengthening the cubit had become shorter, and as the cubit was based on the elbow to finger tip, then so too, presumably, had peoples arms!! What was going on?

Vivienne Westwood further suggested that pockets had possibly become shallower due to fashion trends in the High Street putting longer armed women at a disadvantage.

The BBCs meteorological expert Michael Fish disagreed and said that if a hurricane passed over the Middle East in around 1BC and brought a huge amount of rain it's possible that peoples arms could have shrunk. Of course this is purely hypothetical as Michael Fish doesn't know what a hurricane is.

Anthropologists Boney M, claimed it was more likely due to a loss of bone density.

The milk yield would have been drastically reduced after the Flood. Hell, they only had two bloody cows and one of those was a bull! Milk products would have been scarce and bones need plenty of calcium. When I pointed out that the Flood was thousands of years before this reversal effect came into being, Boney M explained that it would obviously take a while for the full effects to become apparent but they couldn't really care less anyway, as no one bought their last album.

So there you have it. A cubit can be any size you want from 18 inches (English) to 26.6 inches (Northern Cubit). No wonder this measurement fell out of favour. My only advice to you is, if you are thinking of building an ark, a temple or some other sort of symmetrical structure and cubits are to be the measurement of your choice, I suggest you make sure your workforce is made up of solely of either Druids, Egyptians, Israelis, Babylonians etc.

'Pick and mix' when hiring workers is not compatible when dealing with cubits.

The Real Culprit for the Moral Decline of Todays Youth

2009-03-23T16:57:00.000-07:00

Ever since Pagan times people have always celebrated in the Autumn, usually in thanks for a good harvest. Although never a bank holiday in the UK we used to have Harvest Festivals in schools and churches when I was younger. They might still, I don't know as I don't tend to frequent those sort of places anymore. Once a year, during the Harvest Festival, after the religious service was over, the flowers and food gathered would be distributed amongst the elderly, the poor, the needy and the general riff-raff and dregs of society.

The idea was for children to spend their summer holiday growing and tending produce, usually vegetables, flowers or fruit. Girls would bake biscuits, cakes and bread with their mothers, which often served as an introduction to cooking.

Most children I knew spent their summers slaving over the crappiest patch of ground in the garden. That bit that no self respecting weed would move to. The bit where your dad always changed the car oil. The bit that was only used for bonfires and thus, the only available piece of land not already earmarked for one of your mums horticultural extravaganzas, which the local neighbourhood cats would dig up and crap on the minute her back was turned. One could always tell when somebody was gardening in the neighbourhood by the way the cats used to circle the garden clenching their butt cheeks and....anyway, I digress, back to the story...

The theory being that children in touch with nature become more enlightened and caring. Respectful of their elders and get far too involved to notice their genitals and in all likely-hood would aspire to the position of class milk monitor before going on to work for Oxfam.

The schools would turn out hundreds of well meaning would be social workers, health visitors and scout leaders. The churches got to keep their influence over their flock and the elderly, poor etc would get a free handout for which they would pay dearly for by way of the collection plate over the coming year.

Later on, realizing that rickets, consumption and poverty were on the decline, the schools and churches decided to raffle some of their ill gotten gains, gleaned incidentally, off the backs of child labour and spend the proceeds on new church roofs and school sports equipment etc. Which meant the needy, poor and elderly only got the produce they couldn't raffle off as their once a year free handout.

There was an obvious flaw in this plan. Flowers, fruit, vegetables, baked bread and cakes had a limited shelf life.

There was a glut in the market for a few weeks and then back to the yearly hand-to-mouth existence for these institutions. What was needed was a way to break the cycle of boom/bust.

Then, one day at assembly, Miss Hamilton, our Headmistress, announced that instead of donating fresh produce the children could now bring tins of...stuff.

It was a masterstroke! Stuff was all encompassing.

Any stuff, even bloody floor polish stuff if they wanted, with a longer shelf life what they couldn't raffle off straight away they could keep back for jumble sales throughout the year. Screw the elderly and needy. They get a pension anyway, didn't they?

Thus children no longer spend their summers growing vegetables and consequently they have become disrespectful of their elders and fully aware of their genitals at a much earlier age as the increase in teenage pregnancies only goes to prove.

I think it's fair to say that the blame for the decline of standards in the youth of today falls squarely on Miss Hamiltons shoulders!

Jazz Band

2009-03-23T09:17:00.000-07:00

Despots and Villains

2009-03-23T08:13:00.000-07:00

In the week that the world learned of the capture of the Serbian war criminal, Radovan Karadzic, already the worlds press were ridiculing and belittling anything they could connect him with.

It looks like alternative medicine is in for a hard ride over the next few months as many of his patients, no doubt lured by the smell of the medias chequebook, will crawl out of the woodwork to testify that Karadzic was a third rate quack, shouldn't have been allowed to treat animals, had a crap bedside manner, touched them up in appropriately, their feet dropped off after only one consultation and many other such silly claims. Radovan Karadzic has done for alternative medicine what Adolph Hitlerdid for painting.

We tend to have to vilify despots and villains to the hilt. Maybe it makes us feel better about ourselves to put as much distance between them an us as possible. They have to be nothing short of 100% evil. It makes us feel uneasy to admit that we could have anything in common with such evilness, so we ignore or ridicule any good points they may have had. But the fact is even the most despotic usually has some redeeming feature.

According to amateur historian and inventor of the plastic chair, Robin Day, Caligula was no different. His passion for ballroom dancing helped shape the future of the Roman Empire. Afternoon tea dances were made compulsory for all of his generals where they were able to swap tactics, strategies, body fluidsand flimsy underwear.

A vivid eye-witness account of Caligulas rhythmically complex footwork was given by Pliny the Middle Aged in his Postcards from Ostia.

'Wow! What a mover. Hotel nice. Food nice. Wish you were here. Pliny'

The discovery of a sequined toga and a pair of size three dancing pumps by German archaeologist, Heinrich Schliemann in 1876, began to throw doubt on the work of Tacitus who stated in 'Annals' that 'Caligula couldn't dance for shit!'

In her autobiography, Caligulas long time dancing partner and chiropodist, Ginger Rogerus, stated that Caligulas Paso Doble was second to none, a claim also made by Suetonius in his highly acclaimed historical work Nifty Dance-steps of the Rich and Famous.

It should never be forgotten that thanks to Caligulas efforts in introducing formation dancing, which was later adopted by the Roman army, that Rome was able to conquer most of Europe. The 'slow, slow, quick quick, slow' style of attack under the leadership of Freddius Astairius completely threw the Visigoths into total panic and disarray and while the Gauls were busy holding up their cards the Romans dropped the last 'slow' and just rushed them!

Yet Caligula is only remembered today as a mentally crazed tyrant known for his extravagance, sexual perversity and cruelty. No doubt Karadzic will go down in history in the same vein along with the likes of Hitler, Saddam, Stalin and Amin.

Hollywood Mourns

2008-08-26T05:07:00.000-07:00

Hollywood is today mourning the loss of one of their greatest bit-part actors, Ed Woodentop. Although not well known to the viewing public at large, inside the industry he was a legend. His big break came when he was discovered playing a parquet floor in Tom Browns Schooldays. Although it was only a walk-on part, it earned him an Oscar nomination for 'best supporting joinery.'

The BBCs arts correspondent and film critic, Barry Norman, said in paying tribute to him,"Personally, I always found his acting a bit 'wooden' but his moody portrayal as the hemlock staircase in the 1939 classic Gone With The Wind created just the right atmosphere to bring out the best in Clark Gable and Vivien Leigh."

His appearance as the intricately carved spindle balustrade in almost every hall scene throughout the movie took film-making to new heights. The liberal use of beeswax in between takes, mostly thanks to the work of make-up artist, Mr Sheen, gave a much more highly polished performance than in his role as the grainy French windows in the 1938 Film Noir, Quai Des Brumes starring Jean Gabin, which proved his versatility of working with hinges. A partnership he would later go on to revive to good effect in the 1955 production of Tennessee Williams, Cat on a Hot Tin Roof playing the often abused and neglected colonial style bedroom door opposite Elizabeth Taylor and Paul Newman.

His career began to slide after turning down the part of the double bass in Some Like It Hot with Tony Curtis and Jack Lemmon but having just paid for a mahogany stain he refused to strip even though the part called for it.

Completely ignoring the old showbiz adage of never working with children, animals or soft furnishings, he took on the challenging role as a set of Regency dining chairs, in which he played all six parts, in The Sound of Music.

What promised to be the high point in his career ended in disaster as friction built between him and star of the film, Julie Andrews, whose habit of sitting on him and farting between takes, he felt was demeaning.

Ed, who had suffered many bouts of depression and dry-rot throughout his long career, finally passed away late last night surrounded by his family. A close friend of the family said he was unable to shake a re-occurring infestation of woodworm and just wasted away.

He leaves a wife, four children and a pine wardrobe from his first marriage. He has asked for his ashes to be spread over Julie Andrews.